Ok, you are on the right online dating site/app, have an engaging profile and fabulous real current photos—well, that all seems like a recipe for success, yes? Nope. The key ingredient is coming up—your messages to singles you are interested in. It’s an art and a science.
Yes, it’s partially a numbers game—the more you send, the more you receive back would be the conventional outcome. Again, a partial no. It’s all about what you are writing—and it can’t be a bunch of cut/paste from previous messages as all that will result in is frustration and discouragement.
Spending a minimum of 30 hours each week online as a dating coach with clients on all dating venues—from Bumble, Hinge, Zoosk, Match, etc. helping craft messages that get good responses from quality singles you’d like to meet in real life is key. Thoughtful, fun messages reap rewards—bland messages pretty much nothing—no matter how many you send.
Clients constantly ask me during the coaching process is there is a booklet of responses I can send them. There is not. We need your voice and your personality injected into each message to get the responses to get you to that first date. That’s what I teach!
1. No long first messages.
If it can’t be said in under 3 sentences, skip. Remember this is cyberdating—it’s a fast played game and as our attention spans have grown shorter, no one has the patience to read 2 paragraphs.
2. Ask yourself.
Is this message fun, a bit flirty and casual like you are talking to a friend? Formal won’t work.
EXAMPLE: After Susan (a client) and I read an interesting man’s profile this week, he had bullet pointed a few things that were important to him. Susan’s response?
“Hey Jack, Cute photo with your daughter. Tennis? Check. Stand up paddleboarding. Check. Indie Flicks. Check. Ready for a glass of wine or lunch this week? Warmly, Susan
Two hours later, she had a response—and they had a glass of wine (oops, 2) on Friday. No long sentences needed and while it might look like I’m breaking Tip 1 it was short, sweet and had an end goal!
Hmmm, think I can help you? Maybe! Let’s try a free 15-minute call and see if we are a good fit.
Click here to set up a call! Andrea McGinty, Dating Coach and Dating Counselor
3. It’s unique.
If your opening salvo could have fit 500 women online, well, it is not.
So, I’m online with Jack, 48, on his Match account and we spot an interesting woman who also has the travel bug—and has traveled to many of the unusual places he has. Jack wanted to say “Hi Christa, wasn’t climbing Denali amazing? Love the souks in Marrakesh too. Never thought I’d sleep in a treehouse in Kenya. Best, Jack”
Ok, what’s wrong with this? He regurgitated back that they’d been to the same places. Ohhh, ok. No question asked at the end. Boring.
Instead, I said Jack, let me type it. (Yep, I’m on your site with you as we do these messages!).
“Christa, great pic with the Māori Chief. Ok, up next for me I’m thinking of the Orient Express and perhaps Quito—looks gorgeous. Perhaps lunch Thursday or Friday as I’m totally interested in meeting you?!?—Best Jack”
So why is this a better message? He identified she was with a Māori Chief without even a caption identifying this. He shared some new things about himself not in his profile. He expressed interest and asked for a lunch date. We’re making progress here to a meet in real-life versus a long texting/messaging chain.
Also, an exclamation mark adds excitement and interest. But don’t use more than one.
Assume the date—we all know likes, hearts, winks get you nowhere. But an enthusiastic message followed by the suggestion of lunch, coffee, or a drink oozes self-confidence.
Life, Love & Laughter,